you’ve been thinking about it for a long time. Maybe you have spoken to your therapist or clergy person trusted a friend or family member. You’ve most likely spoken to an attorney to educate yourself about what’s ahead, financially at least. Your marriage, despite all the hard work you did together or separately, is over.
As much as it may be the difficult thing you’ll ever have to say, it’s time to tell your spouse you want a divorce. But when? How?
Don’t blindside your spouse.
Those are not easy questions to answer, but much will depend on whether or not your spouse has any idea of how you feel. If you have been in marriage therapy together or have had numerous conversations about how troubled you are by the marriage, or if the feelings are clearly mutual, you will have more prospects. The words, “I would like a divorce,” as challenging as they may be to say and hear, won’t necessarily be a shock. But if your spouse has no idea, you will likely blindside her and that can be devastating. It may also result in a much more harder transition for both because your spouse will be experiencing the early stages of grief — denial, and hatred — while you are not only admitting that the marriage isn’t working but also set and eager to move on with your life.
It’s all about timing.
Ideally, you’ll want to tell your spouse you’re considering divorce as soon as you realize you want to end your marriage. Saying it when you’re calm and have time to talk about it together, such as at the beginning of the weekend, is a good idea. You already know when your spouse is open to hearing bad news; take that into account. When it comes to finding the right words to say, it’s much more convincing to state your feelings about the relationship clearly, truly and as kindly as possible, than calling your spouse on all the things you think he or she has done wrong in the marriage. Saying, “I feel sad that we don’t spend time together anymore and that we’ve grown apart,” is easier to hear than a blaming, shaming, “You never do things with me anymore, and it’s your fault that I feel lonely.”
Think things through.
If you haven’t yet told your spouse that you are considering divorce (or you have but he or she hasn’t heard you or doesn’t understand the seriousness of your thoughts), then it’s relevant to have a well-thought-out plan on how and when to admit your feelings. It’s always better to give your spouse notice of your feelings. This gives him or her a chance to react and perhaps even work toward improving things. Saying something like, “I haven’t been happy for a long time. I’d like to tell you what’s going on for me, and see if we can work on some of the things that are troubling,” is a good place to begin — assuming you truly are open to fixing the marriage. If you’re not, don’t give your spouse false hope.it is very unfair and hurtful moving on maybe be a better shot for her and you.
Be calm, kind and direct.
When you’re ready to say you want to divorce, be as straightforward and compassionate as you can: “I know this may be hard for you to hear, but I believe our marriage is over and that we need to get divorced.” After all, this was a person you once loved and may even still love but can no longer live with. While you are not able to consciously separate if you have kids together your soon-to-be former spouse is going to be in your life for a long period; you’ll have to discover how to effectively co-parent in separate households. Splitting in as loving and respectful a way as possible goes far toward making that transition happen.
If you’re concerned about your protection, you may want to tell him or her in front of a neutral third party, such as a therapist, or you may want to say it in a public place where people will be around you. You can’t regulate how well your spouse takes the news, but there are ways that you can degrade the anger and support understanding.
Separation is a big decision, particularly if you have young kids at home. Never use the “D” word as an idle threat — that’s manipulative and cruel — and don’t blurt it out in the heat of an argument no matter how tempting it may be. But if you have done all you can to make your marriage work and separation still is the way to go, then knowing how and when to tell your spouse will help both of you accept, adjust and ultimately move on.
after all, you should always have respect for each other, you were once a couple and had one another’s back. whether you have kids or not… the two of you were once a family and were the shoulder for the other to cry on.
as well as don’t forget the respect you give is the amount of respect you get..
be respectful and remember not to traumatize your partner do to the humanity and respect you have for the person you lived with for you past times.